Анекдоты на английском языке

Баян, но все же :)

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows'95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case; I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

Bill: "Fine, but where should I go first?"

St. Peter: "I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter. 🤪

Registration on the first day back at school in Birmingham, ENGLAND

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here"

"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here"

"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here"

"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here"

"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here"

"Ali Son al En” — silence in the classroom.

"Ali Son al En" — continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

The teacher repeated the call.

A girl stood up and said: "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen."

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...

"SUPPLIES!"

У азиатов проблема со звуком R, поэтому получаем "Surprise" - "Supplies". Вместо снабжения (supplies) китаец прятался чтобы напугать сослуживцев (surprise).

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"

"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

-----

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"

1st customer: "I'll have tea."

2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"

(Waiter exits, returns)

Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"

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A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."

1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."

1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."

1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."

1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."

2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

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Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean. Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.

-----

Небольшой скетч от Хью Лори и Стивена Фрая, британский английский.

Они хоть смешные? Ну в оригинале...а то через гугл переводчик фигня получается.

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

Тhe Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning.

They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in

Iraq.

To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then

he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in

tears. Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a

brazilian?'

А бразильён- это сколько?

Redbaron_chaos, можно про вчерашний хоккей свежие анекдоты сочинять.

Да как сказать... Русский анекдот (хороший) может заставить ржать конем над какой-нибудь пошлостью даже человека, на смех не нацеленного, который слушает с мыслями "блин, опять фигня очередная". А их юмор отражает специфику их общения, доброжелательного априори. Их анекдоты - это скорее такие добрые шутки. И если ты нацелен на лояльное, позитивное отношение к их юмору, он тебе понравится. Если смотришь беспристрастно или отрицательно, то вряд ли.

Что-то тут я не понял юмора. Поясните, плз.

Там окончание есть, которое аффтар скопипастить забыл.

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."